it was like never before

2009-08-27T22:01:00.002+08:00

It's back blogging once more.

Work has been so hectic that the pathetic 8 hours are just not enough! I have been doing overtime like almost, everyday. Imagine that. SO much so, at times I still got to bring my work back home and it has got to drive me reeally crazy. Whatever it is, I have already tendered my resignation letter and leaving on the 10th! Haha, wwant to ask if I've found another job on standby? The answer is, no.

Haha

Up and down, on and off. I guess relationship has found its way out of my life since I am living pretty well now, even though we're still together. I reckon I just want to have a peaceful life myselk, with noone to account to and noone to bicker with.

Tired out.

2009-08-14T11:28:00.002+08:00

It's been this long, that I almost my password to the site but well, my passwords are generally recycled so it really wasn't that tough though.

Yeap, it was a climax. Been and back from Changi Airport just moments ago and loads of feelings are gushing inside of me. While waiting for the plane to take off, my mind was filled with everything that I wanted to say but now, it seems like it has all gone.

With a blink of an eye, yes, 4 months just past like that without leaving any traces. From probably more than half a year ago when we got back "together", I was definitely looking forward to his return in June, as what he told me. And next thing I know, he changed it to May.

Months past quickly and without much information, I assumed his flight on a mid-May since it was supposedly in June and I could have some time for myself to get my rotten face/complexion fixed and guess what, he just came back to Singapore without a notice! It certainly caught me by surprise when I was in my office.

These few months, no doubt the happiest, but also the most torturing ones. Complicated stuffs happened between the 2 of us and another one. Triangle love, in short. Things blew up and cooled down, up and down. conflicts and arguments, really so traumatizing.

Being this cruel, I only got to know his flight was today, yesterday night. How unfair was that! I got up like 5am, hitched a ride from his parents and him and we set off for the airport. Accompanied him with the checking in of luggages and also breakfast. Walked abit in the airport and he got me a big Squirrel toy from Mini Toons, though wasn't "picked" by him from the arcade or whatever, I am still happy that at the very last minute, he still wanted me to smile.

He left, his parents left.

I walked all the way in as far as I could to see him and waited all the way till the information provided on the information board reads from "Gate Closing", to "Gate Closed" and lastly, "Departed" before I was willing to leave the airport.

Thanks for bringing me to places where I've never been to in Singapore yet and thanks for always giving me the best food and bringing me to the best places. Thanks for making me the host when it was you who bought me bottles and bottles of alcohols while clubbing, thanks for calling me always, and thanks for always being there. Swallowing my attitude and seeing me cry for someone else, and not you.

Thanks YS.

2009-06-05T00:00:00.002+08:00

It's just another Friday that is approaching and seriously, I have no idea what am I going to do tomorrow. People will just go, of course I'll be heading down the clubs, what's new.

Haha

To my amazement, the mood just ain't there and I know I am bound to hate clubbing tomorrow. What a rare scene isn't it? Lol. Everything's been pretty quietened down and I am at ease, at least.

:)

2009-05-26T22:48:00.002+08:00

Weeks and weeks.
Day and days.

Lotsa things happened and one thing for sure, those aint any good stuffs. I touched my conscience and asked myself, have I really been giving those true smiles.

Sometimes, I just think I am living in delusions of myself.
:)

2009-05-11T23:29:00.002+08:00

I recalled how we first started knowing each other. I recalled how I used to grumble to my friends that I have no idea why you dont send me home even after being together with me at all. I recalled how I would always hang "breaking up" by my lips just cause I was feeling insecure or weary from attachments. And I even remembered, how you've always comforted me with your words, never bushed from it.

And now.

2009-05-07T13:16:00.002+08:00

I am too fked up and I am too screwed up. I have always declined "invitations" for clubbing on Wednesdays despite being a retarded Ladies Night cause I have to work the next day.

It is a pity though, but I have never thought that things would turn out so bad that I turned to clubbing on Wednesday even though I had only 4 hours of sleep with 9 hours of work.

I am seriously drained and dad is seriously bewildered by what have I been up to lately. It's silly yes, but I dont know what else.

2009-05-03T15:42:00.003+08:00

I had fun even though I had much difficulty trying to juggle between 3 groups of friends. Nevertheless, it eased me when I started seeing my own friends. Here's an apology if I hadn't been with you people for the entire night.

Sorry

Rebel rocks, for now.

:)

2009-04-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

I'd never thought the one who knows me well, would be someone far away in Australia. Someone whom I've exchanged barely 20 sentences in my entire secondary school life but yet, emails after emails now that I am out working.

He told me something that went like this, " I feel you are not happy ever since I've talked to you. You seemed troubled, with anger, fear and unhappiness. Is it? "

I know you do read my blog, and here it is even though I've told you before, Thanks.

He suggested me looking up a counsellor or a shrink to talk about issues that I always keep mum after crying hard. It's just me, being a total shut-up, after weeping my heart out, thinking things will be fine.

Its's just me. No worries, no depression. I am just, probably in the thinking-alot phase and I will be fine, soon.
:)

2009-04-28T01:16:00.002+08:00

I am expecting an obvious and totally ugly swollen pair of eyes from myself. It's basically 130am and I find difficulty turning in. I am probably going to pop a pill or something, else I would have to sink my head in my backrest duing lunch, instead of eating out.

I'd like to make a wild but thick-skinned guess that I've probably affected someone with my emotions. Personally, I would like to apologize to this person but coming to think of that, maybe he had his own issues to handle and I might not be the cause of his unhappiness but whatever it is, he thought of me when he was down and I am grateful to him for his concerns.

Life and mind are in a total whirl now, this feeling sucks and things suck. I want to get out of these real quick so that I can turn in early and wake up smiling, without any more tears.

Soon

2009-04-23T12:38:00.002+08:00

It's been a few days and I have to say, it has been a rollercoaster for me. I'd probably be the best pushover ever that even if the work for me was not due to be done that day, has been pushed to me and expecting me to finish that very day. What is totally making me boil, was that despite all the efforts into doing things, they complained that it was in a mess, and what else but to re-do?

It is tough, not because I couldn't stand their criticism but rather, in the first place it wasn't my job at all! Right, like as if they would be able to hear it.

I took half day yesterday to head down town alone. Some retail therapy really helped take my mind off a little and at the same time, burnt a hole in my pocket. I am penniless now. However, while thinking my spirits were lifted a little, a call just brought them to the bottom. This very important call that I await everyday and there it is, everything's over. I would have to say, it is very thoughtful to call all the way from L.A, just to clear things up.

..

I remember back in my lower secondary school days when all I did was to attend classes. Maybe CCA once every week on a Friday that's all. I got this awesome recommendation to watch online flashes by a mate and it kind of got me hooked on it for quite a while. So this very clip that left a very deep impression on me even till now, was a clip about this couple who broke up and the girlgot herself another boyfriend.

Being devastated that they couldn't be together anymore, ultimately the guy soaked himself in a bathtub of water and slashed his wrist so that it will be less painful. While doing that, he actually rang the girl up and upon hearing the fain voice, she felt something amiss and rushed over to see him dying.

He said this " dont change your name in the next lifetime, so that it will be easier for me to search for you "

..

He felt it was the right silly thing to do.

2009-04-19T16:45:00.001+08:00

I had been holding on to you only,
for real.

2009-04-16T22:00:00.002+08:00

I dont like this but my cheeks feel wet.

I have been spending a lot of time and effort on my work that has been piling over the days and that my In-Tray is now toppled even. I have never liked doing overtime cause everyone is going home, I am left in the office continuing work though I might not be alone. I am tired out, seriously. I am loaded with so much stuffs and time is not even enough.

I detest this very much and I am going bongus soon.

And just when things aren't the worse, I felt this heartache that hasn't really been surfacing for quite a while. I would really love to live in seclusion, when the Earth is spinning and time is passing and I am still holding on to my Flinstone wheels. It feels as if everything is going against me, yet again.

I thought I could be jumping soon after standing on my toes for a little while and now I realize, I am begging on my knees. Give me 2 colours, and I'll give you white and black.

this taxing.

2009-04-14T22:11:00.002+08:00

I am back from work a couple of hours ago. Well, the time for me to decide if I would staying that tad longer is approaching in probably 2 weeks' time.

I foresee heavier workload and more overtime hours even though our limit has been restricted to that few pathetic claimable hours. But on a random sidenote, I have no idea why I am addicted to buying more nail polish! I got myself something like electric blue and I am totally digging it. Haha, probably a collection of striking colours in the making.

2009-04-12T21:48:00.001+08:00

I am not pretty, and I dont want to see you like that.

.

2009-04-12T02:37:00.002+08:00

It feels this little eccentric when a few suddenly popped out and start telling you or rather, make you feel that tiny weeny dilemmatic.

I would not say it is a bad feeling, but that wouldnt imply that it feels great either. Nonetheless, it further affirms the stand and the decision, a little. Sometimes, I find it amusing cause I am making no sense at all, I mean I am probably blogging about stuffs that only I have clues of.

But I am not going to care so, basically I am still glad I made the wise decision to clear the stuffs I typed in the noon. Thankfully, I have not entered any nonsense else I wouldnt know that I am actually going to smile, again.

American Boy: Hey babe, babe?
Jesstg: huh uh yeah
American Boy: * plays Till The End in the background and pauses *
American Boy: You have to listen to this ok, I only want to dedicate it to you
Jesstg: :)

Sincere words and eyes expression, really got me smitten by this much.

2009-04-10T13:36:00.000+08:00

I seriously detests myself, for everything.

everything little thing.

2009-04-08T23:05:00.004+08:00

Happy Birthday, AGNES TAN, 040409. 21st!

Now I wonder, how long have I been living in this kind of depressive situation when nothing actually really seem, amusing.

I pop handful of seedless grapes and strawberries in the morning and I suppose it's meant to be so call - healthy but on the other side, I guess I am just contradicting myself.

I am so frazzled from working and now how I wish I was given the opportunity to choose again. Oh well, what's over. HAHA.

2009-04-06T21:32:00.003+08:00

We gave in our best in exchange for exhaustion and now unknowingly, things faded across time.
Ironically, time is going to bring us closer.

We probably know deep in our hearts that everything's changed, and I,
would have to adapt to living alone.

2009-04-05T21:15:00.002+08:00

I cannot believe this. It just seems like the harder I try, the worse it becomes and now I am becoming more uptight as time draws closer.

I am panicking totally.

I want to stay beautiful for you

2009-04-02T21:48:00.000+08:00

imissyou

.

2009-03-31T22:20:00.000+08:00

you brought that long lost smile and grin back to my face.

2009-03-31T01:53:00.002+08:00

Alright now, it's 2am and I can't get myself to sleep. I have no idea why cause I did not nap in the afternoon, neither am I pondering over stuffs.

sigh

2009-03-30T22:04:00.002+08:00

You'd probably ran 50m in the 100m race and I've been standing at the finishing line looking at you. I see your figure departing. Taking your steps backwards instead of forwarding and I reckon soon, you'll back out from the race even.

will always hold on to the flag that waves success.

2009-03-29T22:17:00.002+08:00

We have to understand, it isn't a defeat neither are we waving white flags. We make silly mistakes and laugh at them when we look back. That is when I believe we learn.

Girl, I understand you totally.

..

Life is not bringing me down, but it has drove us further. It is those familiar yearnings once again.

and i cried so hard.

2009-03-29T17:08:00.002+08:00

I would say, I love this stay home kind of feeling. Spending time to do some housework and pampering myself, Oh really feels great despite having to clean and stuffs. Well, beat me to a complete stay home for 2 consecutive days! Haha. Without complains too!

:)

I do miss you that much.

2009-03-29T02:05:00.002+08:00

I am lost for words actually. I have no idea why but yeah, things come and go. It goes the same for thoughts as well! Haha, how sick and frustrating.

Weekend stay-home is a bore, totally.
Sigh

2009-03-26T21:02:00.003+08:00

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.

- Albert Einstein

2009-03-25T23:12:00.004+08:00

It is vexing, like seriously. Having to juggle between work and some time for yourself isnt probably something I can handle. Nonetheless, to bury my head for consecutive 4 days straight at work and to surface out on Friday as the so-call Club Queen was the way I got myself out of this distress. Life gets a little lonely sometimes, or most of the time but..

Coming to realize, each time I really do get more weary after that.

.....

Payroll today! And just when my eyes felt like popping out with shine all over when I was checking my system out, it went a straight line when it was loaded.

-.- like this. Deducing the message from that emoticon wont rack your brains too much, so readers, you got it. Alright, it was really little! And guess what, there goes my bonus after my facial session earlier on. I cant believe this!

Anyone just calm me down please? Haha. And to think I wanted to get myself this particular Gucci bag and Chanel shades that I set my eyes on. I guess I really need to learn what is spending wisely. For real!

.....

Also, I need to get dad into buying me electronics. Like a super good oven! :)
Hmmm

I read, I saw

I am struggling I am bewildered.

For things have turned out differntly,

It soured.

2009-03-24T22:12:00.003+08:00

I remember that last time I stepped into the regional library was before Valentine's Day this year in search of a good book with visuals to demonstrate how to design pretty cards.

I did found some pretty good books but ultimately, I designed my very own card, for him*. For Valentine's Day 2009. Well, I have to admit I really love doing stuffs like that but YET, the card turned out atrocious! Glitters were not glued and sticked on properly and stuffs like that.

Nevertheless, it was still sent out via Speedpost to Los Angeles, to him* and the surprise turned out really great. Kudos to Speedpost for that! :) Oh well.. speaking of those really brought back some ol' sweet memories just a month back or two.

Anyway, I got my foot set in the library today again! Right, this time is in search for PASTRIES BOOKS! Got off from the office pretty early and managed to fork out a little energy to head down library and it was of good returns!

Well, I am looking forward to my creation! :)

To think I have to resort to numbing myself.

2009-03-23T23:20:00.005+08:00

*credits to Sweet Decadenze*

They look fabulous and totally yummy-licious, aren't they? It would be to a great pleasure if I could ever bake anything that is close to these. However, each time I get are just muffinized-cookies or dough-liked cakes. Sigh, this is pretty discouraging.

I have looked up some baking classes available in Singapore and I would love to join in soon! Well, it might be a community class if things come worse to worse. But who cares as long as I get to bake beautiful AND delicious pastries, I would be so proud of myself!

Not to deny that I really envy girls who have such talents in baking, sewing or even drawing, I have tried all of them personally and maybe I have to accept the fact that I am not into those feminine kind of girl, oh. Delicate hands i should say. Well, to liven things up a little, I am actually quite proud of my shading! Something that can take up so much of my time but I enjoy totally. It might be some high time that I hit the libraries soon. I designed sucky cards and I still do. Well, haha.

And on a random sidenote, I would really love to get myself enrolled into SIM despite the fact that Dad would definitely prefer NUS. But coming to terms with my lousy GPA, why in the world would NUS wants me?! So, SIM shall be my choice * and i could actually study overseas some time later too* . Probably, in the years soon to come.

i always had nothing to lose

but this time, i really lost you.

2009-03-22T12:59:00.002+08:00

If I could choose, I would rather lie in your arms on Friday nights.
But that is , if you could ever let me make the choice.

And i do believe that aside all those masked feelings, others would also be just patronizing emotions.

2009-03-19T23:06:00.003+08:00

It will be party night tomorrow regardless if I am still sneezing away or probably coughing my lungs out. Haha. Oh well it has got to be the usual, you know. Weekly thing.

:)

Love is falling in love with the same person over and over again.
Each time i fall, it is like a well.

2009-03-19T00:36:00.002+08:00

It is definitely nice to be pampered by the people around you. It will be pleasing when you know your time is spent on the correct people, at the correct time.

Thanks Marcus for the treat at DTF and the ride home yesterday and also, Thanks Joel for the movie and Swensen's treat. For not many a time, I feel really pampered.

:)

you probably have a lot in mind, it doesnt matter.
cause be it a good or a negative one, i wanna listen to you.

but you wont ever let me.

2009-03-16T22:21:00.003+08:00

I have to admit, i had never felt that any of the people whom ive met in this lifetime were wrong. Or should i start mocking at myself for holding on to that belief even up till the moment where i sensed absence?

Oh well, i thought i have long thrown that idea behind and telling myself it doesnt matter. I am sick, real sick and tired of being the one all these years and while. I did my part, proably you people did too.

I just searched my conscience and probed myself, what have I done wrong to deserve these? It is cruel to neglect a person's feelings like that. Downright mean I should even say. And it really sends ponders over to my mind as to why did these nonsense surfaced when people could be so close for the longest period ever, and distant in a snap of fingers.

And I had once thought I had the strongest support when I left. It was just plain naive i must tell myself. I never knew the appearance was taken for granted. Silly.

..

I am thankful to my love Kleo who sends me texts almost every morning. It is just a simple appreciation that makes everything worthwhile

smile still :)

2009-03-16T00:58:00.003+08:00

I would love to party like this every Wednesdays and Saturdays if circumstances permits. I would love to travel around the world to experience the culture and accumulate clubbing experiences. Hoho, how naive and senseless it would be?

It is not to me, though.

I stayed in this love and you did too.

2009-03-14T18:11:00.006+08:00

Hello people. I hate to admit, but clubbing yesterday was definitely fun with company like Kleo, Siowling and Marcus. I enjoyed totally.

Not to mention the people whom i acquainted there and then. Gracey, ZY and Howard and these people really sent giggles and laughters even before the night begun.

Its tough but i am trying hard to abstain from clubbing often to appease / EASE someone. But to my amazement i had been doing the exact opposite these few weeks! I guess i am seriously worn out mentally. Oh well.

On a random sidenote, I am saying goodbye to future blurry pictures i hope* to clearer ones with my newly bought gadget - Samsung Pixon on Thursday from IT Fair. I am so in love with it :)

LOL

2009-03-13T09:31:00.002+08:00

Cause something changed

You were acting so strange

And its taking its toll on me

Its safe to say im ready to let you leave

Its true,
lately all we do is fight.

But still, I wanna make it alright.

2009-03-13T00:57:00.004+08:00

Oh baby Baby, I stay in love with you

Dying inside cause I can't stand it
Make or break up Can't take this madness
We don't even really know why
All I know is baby I try and try so hard
To keep our love alive

If you dont' know me at this point
Then I highly doubt you ever will
I really need you to give me
That unconditional love I used to feel
It's no mistaking
We're just erasing
From our hearts and minds

And I know we said let go
But I kept on hanging on
Inside I know it's over You're really gone
It's killing me Cause there ain't nothing That I can do
Baby, I stay in love with you

And I keep on telling myself
That you'll come back around
And I try to front like "Oh well" Each time you let me down
See I can't get over you now
No matter what I do
But baby, baby I stay in love with you

Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na
Baby, I stay in love with you

It cuts so deep It hurts down to my soul
My friends tell me
I ain't the same no more
We still need each other When we stumble and fall
How we gon' act Like what we had
Ain't nothin' at all now

Hey, what I wanna do is Ride shotgun next to you
With the top
down like we used to Hit the block Proud in the SUV
We both know our heart is breaking
Can we learn from our mistakes
I can't last one moment alone
Now go I know

stay in love
Love, Oh, I stay in love.

i probably love you that much.

2009-03-11T23:10:00.002+08:00

This very hectic day at work, frustrations all around
A soothing facial session and a hot calming bath.

I should relax,
take a walk down some countryside and smell the cottages,
feel the breeze and sense the ease.

I am so uptight at work.
And i am more uptight, without you.

2009-03-10T23:46:00.003+08:00

It is this turnabout that brings that little grin over me, like a small kid oogling at her lollipop.

It is that voice that has always got me smitten, melting sweetly with it.

I wanna be your baby girl,
and it is just as simple as that.

If you ever wonder about the importance, you're the brown sugar to my tea.

cheers.

2009-03-09T06:28:00.002+08:00

I am contemplating between the unchanged fringe,
or a short little bangs.

sigh?
off to work soon

2009-03-09T05:53:00.000+08:00

I guess i have always been in this kinda agony.

Forcing the bushed soul to entertain the start of another hectic day,
disguising the cheerless emotion that lingers every now and then.
And to mask that weary face under those make-up, with a touch of grins here and there.

I wish i could travel around, with a bag of chocolates, mineral water and camera on my hands.
I wish i could greet the day with warm sunshine and wake up only when rests have become enough.

I wish i could just turn my body, smell and feel you, to know you've always been there.

I wish life could be a littlebit more just,
and that a break could be somewhere near.